Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
