Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
