Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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