How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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