I got chris browned last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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