I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
