I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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