I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
