final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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