first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
