I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
