I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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