Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
