No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
