Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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