We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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