At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
