I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just threw up on my dentist
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
