You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
