hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
