Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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