my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
