About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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