New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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