2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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