So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
