tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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