i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
