i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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