Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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