So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
