God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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