if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize