Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
