I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
