But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
