I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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