There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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