I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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