Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just invented taco cereal.
What a dumb baby whore.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
