I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
