woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
