Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
