dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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