It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize