rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize