Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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