God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
