Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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