but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize