don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just threw up on my dentist
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
