Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
