If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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