The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
