So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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